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Mainstream media might take you believe that sexual submission is synonymous with "easily coerced virginal, clumsy writer" or "has no boundaries." (Hullo, Anastasia Steele!)

But IRL, sexual submission is far more than consensual, collaborative, fun, and sexy.

Typically, the "S" in BDSM — submission — takes place inside a kinky context when someone takes on a more than (or the only) dominant role and someone else takes on a more (or the but) submissive role, explains Ashley Paige, an NYC-based professional Dominatrix and smut maker.

"It'south when in that location's a consensual exchange of ability," Paige says.

Nope! At that place may be some overlap, merely "bottom" mostly refers to someone who's physically on the bottom during sex. (Think: the partner on their dorsum during missionary.)

A person may also identify as a lesser to not only describe their sexual preference, usually one who receives penetration, just to indicate their social function and sexual identity.

"There isn't necessarily a power exchange when someone is on top and someone else is on bottom," says Paige.

"Submission is well-nigh the giving/receiving of power," Paige adds.

"Someone who is a submissive can exist on elevation, servicing their partner because they're skilled at something the Dominant enjoys."

More often than not speaking, in the about traditional form of BDSM play, in that location's a submissive who consensually "gives upward to control" (note the quotations!) to the Dominant.

But considering almost one-half of the general population has tried some form of BDSM in their lives, it'southward safe to say submission doesn't have ane #lewk.

Moments

A partner pins your artillery behind your back during doggy. Or pulls your hair during missionary. Or spits in your oral cavity. Or spanks your bum. Or calls you lot "greedy" or "my slut" or "trivial girl." Or or or or…

There are thousands of little moments within more "traditional" sex activity that may invoke elements of submission and dominance or power play.

And then long as all partners consent and enjoy these moments, this is A-OK, says Callie Little, a sex and relationships educator and writer.

"Whether or not you count this as existence under the BDSM umbrella is up to y'all," Little adds.

Scenes

Recall of "scene" every bit the kinkified version of "Sexy Fourth dimension, from start to finish."

A scene is a series of pre-negotiated acts/sex acts/BDSM activities that have been fully discussed and agreed upon from beginning to middle to end past all participants.

What a scene volition expect like is varied every bit kinksters themselves.

A scene might entail one partner spanking another 10 times, at increasing intensity with the goal of getting to a 7–ten on the pain scale.

Or it may be much more than elaborate. Peradventure the scene starts with wax play, moves onto nipple torture, and ends with orgasm deprival. Or maybe information technology involves an extended flogging.

Ongoing relationships

Sometimes called 24/seven D/s or Lifestyle D/s in the wonderful earth of BDSM, ongoing relationships refer to partnerships where there'southward no real intermission from the ability exchange.

Essentially, both the submissive and Ascendant are in role the majority of the time.

D/due south is often used as shorthand to draw a human relationship where someone leads (the Dominant) and someone follows (the submissive).

The "D" is usually capitalized to signify the power of the Dominant's position, while the "s" is ordinarily in lowercase.

These relationships don't e'er involve sexual submission, says Little.

Sometimes they're but service-based, including acts like giving a massage or manicure or doing chores around the firm and acting every bit a butler.

While, usually, this implies that the pair live together, this isn't always the instance. Neither is it always truthful that they're master partners!

Probable you've heard the trope of the workplace "Power Dominate" who, later making very of import decisions all day long, longs to enter the sleeping accommodation (or dungeon) and have someone else accept consummate control.

"While decision-reprieve is certainly i reason some folks relish being submissive, information technology's far from the simply reason," says Dominatrix and sex educator Lola Jean.

Some are turned on by the sheer fact of how taboo or 'wrong' the play they're doing is considered in society, Jean says.

Others observe satisfaction in serving another private — in a way that isn't much different than those who testify their romantic partners that they love them through acts of service.

"Some people experience the act of submitting equally spiritual or healing," says Petty. "Others simply enjoy it as an adventure and fun experience of physicality and sensation."

The types of physical sensations we enjoy modify — as we historic period, equally our hormones modify, every bit our comfort levels with our partners, playmates, and selves evolve.

If you're finding yourself interested in submission for the offset time, know this is completely normal.

So how exercise y'all know if it'south something you desire to try?

"Think about how you want to feel," says Jean. "Retrieve nigh what arouses y'all. Think about what turns you lot on."

Jean adds: "You can brainstorm to build your kink persona through feelings, rather than deportment.

"I also like to inquire individuals what their primary insecurities and hangups are, as those tend to drive out kinks — either validating or invalidating them via kink [play]."

"An awesome way to found what you're into and non into is a Yes/No/Maybe list," says Little.

A Yes/No/Perhaps listing is a physical list (mental lists won't do!) of:

  • things you definitely desire to do or try sexually (the "yeah" column)
  • things you might desire to try with more research and nether the correct circumstances (the "mayhap" column)
  • things that are outside of your comfort zone or triggering to you lot (the "no" column)

These Yes/No/Maybe inventory lists from Scarleteen and BexTalksSex are both good places to start.

If you're currently partnered, you and your partner(s) should brand one individually and so brand one together.

If yous're single, make one on your own. Then, refer back to it the next fourth dimension you and a sexual partner are communicating your interests and negotiating what's on or off-limits during a scene.

If you remember one thing from this article, brand it this: All play — kinky or otherwise! — must be consensual and pre-negotiated alee of time.

What are condom words/signals and why are they important?

A safe discussion is something either partner can use to signal when a mental, physical, or emotional boundary is budgeted or has been crossed.

"'Yellow' and 'ruddy' are standard safe words for anyone engaging in kink professionally," says Daniel Saynt, founder and principal conspirator of NSFW, a private members lodge for sex and cannabis-positive millennials.

"Use your yellows when you want the action to slow down or your partner is nearing your pain/humiliation climax," says Saynt.

"Use reds when you want the action to pause and you demand a little aftercare or hydration."

Can your rubber word simply be "terminate"? It certainly tin can!

But for individuals who are in a (once more, pre-negotiated) scene based around the Dominant doing something to the sub that the sub "doesn't want," the word "stop" may exist office of the sub's "operation."

In this instance, a word like "giraffe" or "eggplant" or something completely unrelated will work better.

Jean also recommends establishing nonverbal cues that'll halt the scene.

"[Concrete] codes are extremely important, because someone may go mute and accept a hard time speaking up when they get into a certain physical, mental, or emotional land."

Here, something like pinching someone'south leg or squeezing someone's paw for 3-plus seconds may experience like an easier way to abet for yourself.

Important note: "Safe words and nonverbal cues don't supersede ongoing advice in a scene," says Saynt.

If you love something, say something. If you aren't loving something, say something.

"Speak up and make your moans count," adds Saynt.

How often should yous revisit your Yes/No/Maybe lists?

Because every scene should be negotiated ahead of time, y'all tin update and revisit your lists every fourth dimension you play.

What if I desire to try something and my partner doesn't? Or vice versa?

Even if you and your partner are "The Well-nigh Sexually Compatible Couple in the World," chances are, there'll be one or two things one of you wants to effort that the other doesn't. That'southward OK!

Your desires being dissimilar doesn't mean that one of you is incorrect or bad, and the other is right or good.

But, enthusiastic consent from both (BOTH!) parties is a 1000-U-Due south-T.

If yous're the 1 who wants to try something that the other doesn't, the following steps tin help you and your partner talk almost it.

Ideally, when you lot're fully clothed.

Share the fantasy

Yes, this is vulnerable, but in order for your partner to empathise what yous want to endeavour, y'all need to tell them!

And then, dive deeper

Let's say you want to be pegged while being tied to the bed. What is information technology exactly nigh this fantasy that turns you on?

Is it that you lot desire to feel powerless? Is it that you enjoy anal stimulation and therefore recollect you lot'll bask this?

Is information technology that y'all want to meet your partner with a strap-on? Is it that you want to experience dominated?

The answers to these questions will requite you clues on other ways yous and your partner may invoke the fantasy, without either of you having to step outside your condolement zone.

Affirm your partner'due south boundaries

You never want your partner to feel similar you lot're trying to convince or coerce them into trying something.

And so, ask them questions

Or, ask them to enquire themselves some questions almost why they're not interested.

Are they nervous near possible gender dysphoria when wearing a strap-on? Are they worried about hurting you lot or non beingness "good" at pegging?

Does information technology invoke triggering memories of a past experience? Do they accept concerns effectually anal play, generally speaking?

Run across if you can find a middle ground

Is your partner not wanting to effort your fantasy a dealbreaker for y'all? Well, you have your answer. Otherwise, try to find a eye ground.

Hither, that might look like:

  • wearing a butt plug
  • exploring anal masturbation on your ain
  • penetrating yourself with a dildo while your partner uses a vibrator
  • having your partner spank you lot while y'all're tied down

Seek boosted resources

If you want to explore BDSM and your partner doesn't (or vice versa), y'all may seek out a kink-positive sex therapist.

Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt's "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" is likewise an excellent resource.

If, for example, you're a heterosexual woman, someone being a heterosexual man doesn't automatically make them a proficient partner for you.

Well, the aforementioned goes for submissives and Dominants. Not every Ascendant is a Ascendant y'all desire to go downwards with!

Beyond the classic "got a bad gut feeling" and "we just don't vibe," there are some real reasons to exit of dodge (er, dungeon) quick.

"If someone is very enervating and uses language like you have to human activity this manner, says things like 'a real Dom/sub does or doesn't do this,' or is shaming/pressuring you into moving also fast or doing something you're uncomfortable with, it's a good idea to walk abroad," says Jean.

Other ruby flags:

  • They insist on playing without a safe word.
  • They rush a consent or restriction/boundary chat.
  • They humiliate, scoff, or undermine you exterior of play space.
  • They speak with shame nearly their ain desires or shame you for yours.
  • They disregard the pre-established safer-sex activity protocols or won't have a conversation virtually them.
  • Other members of the BDSM community can't "vouch" for them as a Dominant.
  • They have a substance-apply disorder or insist on getting loftier or drunkard before a scene.

Saynt adds: "If y'all already have a partner who's disrespected yous in the by, this isn't the all-time person to explore submission with."

Co-ordinate to Paige, before y'all and your partner start a scene, you should constitute or talk about the following:

  • boundaries, including soft and hard limits
  • exact and nonverbal safe words and cues
  • whatever physical limitations, injuries, or relevant allergies
  • what yous'd similar to get out of the scene
  • what your aftercare needs are/might be

"You should also fix yourself on your own through a solo ritual," says Little. "That can include affirmations, wearing something sexy, masturbating, bathing, etc."

"There are many different ways sexual submission tin look," says Saynt. For case:

  • Do you desire to exist hitting or choked?
  • Do you want to be spit on?
  • Do you want to be humiliated?
  • Do you want to exist called derogatory things?
  • Do y'all want to be tied upwardly and blindfolded?
  • Practice you want to exist treated like a princess, a deviling, or a slut, to name a few possibilities?

While well-nigh people begin exploring BDSM through (hopefully pleasurable) pain, Jean calls out that there are other ways to explore new sensations.

"You might use a blindfold to your partner, mayhap restrain them, and then use feathers, metallic, ice, fabric, or fur to explore their entire body."

Yous might also think about whether there are particular 'real world' ability-based roles, such every bit teacher/student, cop/robber, or pirate/convict, that turn yous on, says Paige.

You can use these as inspiration for kinky role-playing.

Another option: Watch some kinky porn.

"[This] can exist helpful for figuring out what you want to attempt, so long as yous sympathize that porn isn't educational, only inspirational," says Paige.

Or, read some kinky erotica on sites like SugarButch Chronicles, Bellesa, Remittance Daughter, and BDSM Cafe.

"Afterwards a specially long or physically, mentally, or emotionally draining scene, you lot may feel a chemical and hormonal crash, a low, or a comedown later on a play," explains Paige. "Sometimes this is called sub-drop or top-drop."

Aftercare — sometimes called pillow talk, postgame analysis, mail-sex play, or cuddles — refers to the fourth dimension after sex or a scene when everyone involved takes care of, or expresses appreciation for, each other.

"It might involve talking or showering together," says Paige. "Information technology might involve smoking a blunt or eating. It might involve cuddling or a really long hug."

Again for the people in the back! All play should exist safe, sane, mostly sober, and consensual.

Enquiry the activity before yous exercise it

"When information technology comes to BDSM, didactics is everything," says Paige. "Take fourth dimension to figure out what you want and how to make it happen."

That may be using classic research tools like guides and books, but "enquiry may besides include going to kink parties or events, hiring a Dominatrix or sex worker to teach you, or talking to folks in the kink community."

Take a kit with essentials nearby

There'due south a proverb in kink that goes: Programme for the worst, await the best.

Considering things similar rope chains, knife play, bear on play, and more tin can interruption peel, cause bruising, or result in rope burn, you should have a first aid kit nearby but in example.

Piffling adds: "Shopping for kit goodies together could be an intimate part of the experience."

Safe words/signals can and should be used freely

"When you're first starting to explore submission, be forgiving, and be fine with f*cking up… simply reduce f*cking upwardly unnecessarily," says Paige.

One way to practise that, she says, is by using safe words like "yellow" or "ruddy" or hurting scales like "1 to 10."

Submission can be taken back at whatever time

Consent! must! be! enthusiastic! and! ongoing! The 2nd information technology's revoked, the scene is over.

At just under iii,000 words, this article is far from beingness comprehensive. Luckily, there are lots of volume-length guides including:

  • The New Bottoming Volume and The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
  • The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Office Play, and the Erotica Edge past Tristan Taormino.
  • Different Loving: The World of Sexual Authorization and Submission by Gloria Brame, William D. Brame, and Jon Jacobs.

You tin also check out the following online communities and resources:

  • FetLife
  • Kink Academy

Gabrielle Kassel is a New York–based sexual activity and health author and CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. She's become a morning person, tested over 200 vibrators, and eaten, drunk, and brushed with charcoal — all in the proper noun of journalism. In her complimentary time, she can be found reading self-assistance books and romance novels, bench-pressing, or pole dancing. Follow her on Instagram.